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Well it looks like 2013 is upon us and much to the dismay of every metal lyricist who has been suffering writers block as of late, the world did not end. Everybody goes on about what a good or bad year 2012 was and how 2013 will be better. I found the whole thing to be indifferent. The years all seem to bleed together after a while and I won’t make enough money in 2013 to make it better than 2012 just as 2012 wasn’t any better than 2011. I think it is safe to say that if I go to a bunch of shows, maintain a functional sex life and don’t lose any limbs, I won’t be able to tell 2013 apart from any other year as of late. This is why I’m counting on the music world to prove me wrong and make this year memorable. So I’ve compiled a list of ten things that would help my year suck less.

  1. Cold needs to play the 13 Ways To Bleed On Stage album live in its entirety.

Since 2013 is the 13th anniversary of 13 Ways (I see what you did there), something needs to be done about it. You can play other stuff as well, but this is what people would pay to see dammit.

  1. Tool needs to release their next album

I think I wrote about my excitement for this in 2010 and/or 2011, and here we are, still waiting. In a world full of downloading ruining artists financially, Maynard and company sure have no real urgency to get off of their asses and release something new. At this rate it could be their last album before one of them dies of old age.

  1. The United States needs to take some sort of stance on the Randy Blythe situation

While I hope more than anything that when Randy goes to the Czech Republic to stand trial, he is found innocent and Lamb of God continues on, but their take on justice is out of our control. What would be nice would be for the United States to at least give two shits about the whole situation. Their half assed reply from the Department Of State that politely says they wouldn’t touch the situation with a ten foot pole is bullshit to say the least. This is a respected, Grammy nominated band, not an obscure black metal band. If it were Rhianna or Kanye West, there would be some sort of law passed in Congress for them to be granted immunity to avert a war. At the very least, make some sort of insincere yet sincere sounding statement that shows you have some sort of sympathy about your US citizen.

  1. The United States needs a respectable metal festival that the Europeans envy us for

So rumor has it that Kataklysm frontman Maurizio Iacono is organizing a huge metal festival in the Chicago, Illinois area for this September. If the lineup is all that it’s hyped up to be, then there is no doubt that I will make that pilgrimage north. However, if the fans everywhere are as wishy washy and have the same “meh” attitude about everything as they do here in Florida, then turnout will suck and the whole thing will be a bust and the Europeans can laugh in our faces once more. Prove me wrong just this once America.

  1. Lostprophets frontman needs to rot in prison and later in hell if (when) found guilty

Seriously, if you are twisted enough to want to fuck infants you deserve to be buried under the jail until you hopefully hang yourself from your bunk and later rot in hell. When I first heard this news I figured it was one of those things where a lead singer who caters to tweens didn’t check the I.D. of one of his groupies. When it came out that Ian Watkins was plotting to fuck a 1 year old, I lost any hope I had in him as a human being even if I never did listen to his music after the one annoying single came out.

  1. Watain needs to sacrifice Kanye & Kim Kardashian’s baby on stage

Sure this will never happen, but one can dream right? It’s the most outlandish thing on my list, but I feel that it will do the world a lot of good. The demon spawn should be born around September which leaves Watain plenty of time to book a tour and prepare for the kidnapping.

  1. Jeff Hanneman needs to return to Slayer

Sure, Slayer is awesome but Exodus needs you Gary Holt. With Hanneman’s return both bands are once again awesome and the world is a little better of a place and maybe that new Slayer album will be released this year to boot.

lemmy

  1. Motorhead needs to get inducted to the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame

Yes, I know this is never going to happen either. But there is still about nine months worth of lobbying before nominations for 2014 are announced. Sure that is the year that Green Day will be nominated and nobody will care about anything else, but it never hurts to dream.

  1. Dave Mustaine needs to shut the fuck up and stick to playing guitar

Every day that Mustaine opens his mouth about politics or anything else, he just sounds stupider. So 2013 will ring in with him undoubtedly complaining about something that is taking away his freedom or something that Obama has done wrong. He could have written at least four albums worth of material in the time that he’s taken to the internet to complain about the stupidest of shit including a long ass rambling about how terrible Men’s Warehouse is on Facebook this past week.

  1. The Finnish Metal Tour needs to return in 2013

It made me rather sad that there was no 2012 edition of such a wonderful idea. But Finntroll is working on an album as is Children of Bodom, and Amorphis I’m told. There are still bands like Wintersun and Moonsorrow you can throw on the bill too if you want. We can wait until later in the year, just as long as something as amazing happens.

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