Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (markedwith a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on winds hield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Here's some things most ppl don't wanna hear when boarding/ Taking off in an airplane


This is your capt'n speaking, your hijacker for today will be Al-Hassan Bin Rahman, we hope you enjoy your flight.


This is a NON-smoking flight, but feel free to join us in the cockpit, we've opened a window...

During safety instructions:

In case of sudden cabin pressure loss, breathing apparatus will fall from the compartment abbove you, but you will probably have suffocated before you've untangled them...

During flight:

the pilot has inadvertatly pushed the planes intercom button whilst leaning over to his co, to whisper: "should we tell em we're allmost outta fuel and we don't know where the hell we are?"



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yea, I've heard most of these before Ivan, plus a few others. We used to get some pretty stupid gripes too while working on radar.

Haa! Never heard any of these before. Even the ones from Darklord. Thanks for starting my day off with some good chuckles.