THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for
my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!" "My husband LOVEs me
to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got
home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband
came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my
LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

A woman explains to the doctor, "When I touch my arm,
ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my
chest, ouch, it hurts."

The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a
natural blond, aren't you?"

The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How
did you know?"

The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Three old women were sitting side by side in
their retirement home, reminiscing.

The first one recalled shopping at the grocers,
and demonstrated with her hands the length and
thickness of a cucumber she could buy for 25 cents.

The second woman nodded, then demonstrated the
size of two big onions she could buy for a 20
cents a piece.

The third woman chimed in with: "I can't hear
a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
you're talking about"

A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After
about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
her what the problem was and she explained.

The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor simply smiled and said,
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

groan

Post edited by: kreechur, at: 2006/04/18 10:37

it is this couples 30th aniversarry , and the husband wants to make his wife really happy , he goes down to the jewlery store and spends 2 grand on a necklace ..... he then goes and purchases a backup gift.
he gives his wife the first package and she absolutely loves it , the husband then says" well then , there will be no need for this then" and then goes to dispose of the gift ... the wife calls to him before he leaves the room and says " wait , i want that one too !!" the husband relucantly gives it to her .. and she quickly opens it ..... to her supprise it is a very large dildo .
the wife says "what is this for hunny ??" the husband replies " if you didnt like the necklace .. i was going to tell you to go fuck yourself "

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop
sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold.
Passers-by pulled him from the wreck and revived
him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be
tranquillized by the medics. Later, when he was
calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said,
"I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up
on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing
'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front
of the 'S.'"

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"



The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."


"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"


"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."


"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"


"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."


"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"


"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."


The guy looks at the $2 0000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."


"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"


The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.


Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."



"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.



"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."



"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"



"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.



"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"



"Yes, Then he continued taking off the nightie got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."



Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"



"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady
turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one
of those hideous representations you
call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant.
"That one's called a mirror."

a woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist" do you have any cyanide?"
the pharmacist says yes and the woman asks him for some.
when the pharmacist asks what its for the woman says " so i can kill my husband." the pharmacist looks at her and says "no i cant do that , ill get in trouble and youll go to jail " the woman reaches into her purse and shows the pharmacist a picture of her husband and his wife in bed together .... the pharmacist says " i'm sorry ma'am , i didnt realize that you had a per_script_ion."