A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping, unclothed, on her
bed.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any Idea how
ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, what
you think.
I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that Not only
am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

I love the new smilies WZ !!

A nun is walking down the street. A drunk biker stumbles out of a bar in front of her. Seeing her the biker screams and grabs the nun throwing her against a wall. He hits her in the face and body, as she falls, he kicks her in the ribs. With blood trickling out of the corners of her mouth, the Biker hauls the nun to her feet, throws his arm across her neck and puts his face right in front of hers. With the whiskey on his warm breath making her gag, he looks her in the eye and slurs...


"Ain't so fuckin' tough tonight, are ya Batman???"

Q - How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb?
A - YOU WOULDN'T FUCKING KNOW - YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

Q - What's better than winning gold at the para-olympics?
A - Walking

Q- Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
A- Neither have they.

Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button?
A: Blonde boyfriend

Little Cindy is sobbing and filling in a hole in her backyard, occasionally smacking the earth with her shovel. Her neighbor peers over the fence and asks, "Hey Cindy, what are you doing?"

She replies tearfully, "I'm...I'm burying my goldfish."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the neighbor says, "But isn't that a big hole for a goldfish?"

Cindy pats down the last heap of soil, looks up, and says "That's because it's inside your fucking cat."

While a man was shopping at the supermarket, a beautiful woman waved, smiled and said 'hello' to him.

He's rather puzzled, because he can't place where he knows her from; so he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table...with all my buddies watching while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No... I'm your son's math
teacher."

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear Who I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Bullfrogs & Blow jobs


A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.



After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.



She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.


'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'


'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.


'It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month', he said.


The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!



She bought the frog!


When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.


The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.


In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.


She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks...


'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.


The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is GONE!

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

(If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.)

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.