In This Article:
-“Welcome to the Jungle” Is a death threat?
-Dave Mustaine spreads the holiday cheer with coffee
-John Paul Jones vs. Drug addict band managers
-Bands to look out for: Haloburn and Thismeansyou
-Some January and February release dates

Well, well, well. I know, it’s been too long. FAR too long. I have to stop having a life and start posting articles more often. I’ll spare you the details of what’s going on in my life at the moment, that has been causing my lack of posting and get right to the details of things.

First off, how ridiculously sheltered does one have to be to not have heard the song “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns n’ Roses? Well apparently there’s a few people in the universe that GNR haven’t gotten to yet. At a school in Roxbury, Connecticut, a teacher locked herself in a classroom while she was working after hours. Custodians in the school were messing around with the P.A system (Apparently mistaking it for a karaoke system). One of them began singing the rock anthem into the makeshift microphone, and when he got to the part of the song clearly stating, “You’re in the jungle baby; you’re going to die” she ended up locking herself in a classroom and calling the police. The two custodians were handcuffed and forced to the ground for fifteen minutes while the police sorted the ordeal out. The custodians will not face charges, however, I’m charging the teacher with living under a rock for the entirety of her life.

Finally! A useful cash gimmick! Dave Mustaine as finally put some of his millions of dollars to use for a good cause (I’m not saying that he’s never done this before... but this one’s a bit humorous to me.) The rock star has been selling coffee for the last little while (Look out Starbucks! Here he comes) and has donated the proceeds from his entrepreneurship towards buying toys for underprivileged children. Awww, Dave, all that coffee’s melting my cold little heart.

This one gets me a little too. Led Zeppelin bassist, John Paul Jones, has officially disowned the band’s one-time manager, Richard Cole. Cole toured with the band earlier in their career and later wound up giving author, Stephen Davis, information about the band that they didn’t really want released (Hey, every band has it’s secrets.) When confronted about it, Cole claimed he was a recovering drug addict and had needed the money for drugs. Jones forgave him. (Because we all know that selling out your friends is perfectly okay when you’re a drug addict.) Well, apparently Cole felt very little remorse for his actions, because he went and did it again. Jones disowned the former band manager this time around.

Bands to look out for:

Dun dun dun! It’s that time of my article again people, where I dish out some very valuable advice about bands that you should be keeping an eye out for (You know... by the time you all hit this part of the article, you’re probably all like, “Fuck this... I’m done” and close the web page... but that’s cool. I like seeing myself type.)

HALOBURN (Boston, Massachusetts) – Well, I’ll be god damned if I can pronounce their home state half the time, but these guys fucking rock. Heavy ripping guitars, not for the weak of heart. If you’re here for Van Halen, don’t bother clicking the link to their page. These guys are definitely metal in the best definition of the word. They may not be death metal, but they’ll blow you off your feet. Their vocals remind me a lot of Fear Factory a lot of the time and the actual music reminds me of Lamb of God and Demiricous’ hybrid, two-headed death baby.

Rating: Five out of five fuckin’ horns.
www.myspace.com/haloburn
www.haloburn.com

THISMEANSYOU (Charlottesville, Virgina) – Well, I know they’ve kinda been killed on BGR thanks to Berube, but fuck it, he’s taking a break, and I’m promoting now. Metal bands with female lead singers that rock as hard as this band are hard to come by. I’m a chick, I’m not being biased, but there aren’t enough females in the music industry who can belt it out there. The vocalist of this band will give any dude a run for their money (And she’s hot to boot... please don’t hurt me Kim.) Oh yeah... the music itself fuckin’ rocks too. If you want a rundown of all of the music on their CD “Reviving the Apparently Dead”, check out their Myspace page. They give a nice little sampler there of the entire CD. Yes, I bought the fucking CD and a T-Shirt. Why? Because I rock and so do they. Match made in heaven.

Rating: Another five out of five fuckin’ horns.
www.myspace.com/thismeansyou
www.thismeansyou.com
www.churchofheavymetal.com

Upcoming Releases:
January:
29th – Primal Fear : New Religion
Spineshank : The Best of Spineshank
Cradle of Filth : Thornography Deluxe Edition
Obituary : The Best of Obituary
February:
5th – The Gathering : A Noise Severe
Heaven Shall Burn : Iconoclast
Winds Of Plague : Decimate The Weak