The Top 10 Metal Songs To Dump Your Significant Other With

Well if you’re anything like me, you’ve dated an asshole or four by now and sometimes you just have to know when to cut your losses.  Severing the ties isn’t always easy or tactful but I’m here to help you with that.  In the world of e-everything, you can be a non-confrontational wuss about it and send an email with a song attached and say “we’re done, I’d get tested if I were you”.  You can even make it into a voicemail recording if you want to take the really high road and also inform your coworkers and friends of what an asshole you were dating.  Or you can make a nice mixtape and take them out to the park with the baseball mitts just like when you have to put your dog down.  Sure the blue needle would be wonderful to use on them but you can still leave a lasting impression with these songs:

Alice In Chains – ‘Over Now’

This song is the victory song of winning the battle of dating a psychopath. Sure it’s not nearly as accomplishing as hanging their head from your mantle but it’s a good consolation prize. “Yeah, it’s over now, but I can breathe somehow.  When it’s all worn out, I’d rather go without.” Amen.

Seether – ‘Driven Under’

“I guess you know I’m faking when I tell you I love you” is probably the most common thing that most people would just love to find the perfect way of saying but can’t do at the risk of being an even more heartless asshole.  Well here’s your chance for Shaun Morgan to do it for you.  I’m sure he’s played it for Amy Lee before seeing how she’s deserved a donkey punch or fifty.

In Flames – ‘Like You Better Dead’

“I like you better dead, and I’m better off alone.”  That kind of drives the point home doesn’t it?  Unless you’re dating a total idiot that misses the point entirely or dating an elitist that is spending more time criticizing you for listening to something off of Soundtrack To Your Escape instead of Clayman.  If they do that, you can turn to one of the other nine tracks.

Sevendust – ‘Face To Face’

I wish that it were as simple to tell someone to get the fuck out of your life as they make it sound in this song.  “There’s not one thing you can say to make it right, unless you say “I’m leavin’.”  That’s pretty straight forward and to the point right?

Static-X – ‘Love Dump’

One of the more tongue in cheek songs on this list but it still holds so true to so many conceited women who need to learn to get the fuck over themselves.  Because yes, I do really hate you love dumpling.

Helmet – ‘See You Dead’

You ever know that your girlfriend is cheating on you but don’t know exactly how to deal with it?  Send that cute new couple a copy of this song.  Sure you can go the Kindergarten way and ask the new guy how you taste but that’s just showing him why she cheated on you in the first place.  “Are you scared? It’s just murder.  Least you know I care.”

Guns ‘N Roses – ‘Used To Love Her’

This was the first song that I fell in love with when it came to thinking about getting rid of somebody.  The only sad part being I was about seven the first time I heard it and didn’t know who it was for another year or so, but it always stuck with me.  The world already has enough crazy cat ladies, so maybe I can be the guy with a bunch of dead ex’s in my backyard.  If I then blame it all on Axl and say that Chinese Democracy and The Spaghetti Incident drove me to becoming a mass murderer, I think the judge would understand.

Stabbing Westward – ‘Lies’

“Your soul a pit of stone, the depths I wish I could have known.  Dangerous, black and full of spite…”  We’ve all dated somebody who fits this description haven’t we?  This is the perfect way to tell them that they are in fact a cold, heartless bitch who will be miserable in all of their future endeavors as well.

Pantera – ‘This Love’

This song starts off like it’s going to be Pantera dabbling into a touching ballad before you recognize that this is Phil Anselmo and company doing a perfect job at punching a special someone in the face through song.  “But you make me so unhappy, I’d take my life and leave love with you” could be the perfect recording for that answering machine.

Type O Negative – ‘…A Dish Better Served Coldly’

This song is the perfect song to ending it with anybody and being a cruel yet truthful dick to them.  Peter Steele’s “How many times must I say I’m not sorry? And how many ways can I show I don’t care?” lyrics are so fittingly appropriate so often.

This is another article I’d personally love to hear about your personal favorites.  Maybe I’m working on a nice playlist or something just in case.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to include any Cannibal Corpse songs because I don’t want to be summoned to court if it’s taken as some sort of death threat if you think that ‘Scattered Remains, Splattered Brains’ is more your kind of breakup song.

2 Comments on “The Top 10 Metal Songs To Dump Your Significant Other With”

  1. A better Type O Negative song from a guy’s perspective would be September Sun.. Also you forgot Godsmack’s I Fucking Hate You..

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