Braingell’s (Possible) First Shit-Off
So I wanted to take two people that both suck equally and pit them against each other. I know that many of you have thought about this before, but not everybody is as easily amused as I am. It’s hard to pick the first two victims of shitty bands but I’ll go with my two personal least favorite lead singers. This week Scott Stapp, lead singer of the 90’s whiny Christian rock band Creed, goes up against Chad Kroeger, the brainchild of 21st century whiny rock band Nickelback. Nobody with any self respect wants to read anything about either of these people unless we’re hoping that one accidentally overdosed on a steady dose of cock meat sandwiches and talent lessons so a hypothetical match to the death should at least give you a reason to continue.
Chad Kroger is a 36 year old Canadian that is actually named Chad Turton, but changed his last name possibly as a romantic gesture to match his presumable life partner, bassist Mike Kroeger. Chad only has 21 million records to his credit but has collaborated with everybody from the gay hippie from American Idol to failed actor/Saliva front man Josey Scott. He has put out more cheesy singles about sex and drinking than anybody since Def Leppard or Motley Crue, however song titles like “Something In Your Mouth” and “I’d Come For You” seem to be Chad slowly creeping out of the closet while holding hands with Tom Cruise. You can usually catch Chad throwing up the devil horns in a way that makes Dio turn in his grave and in his free time he likes to listen to his first six albums as the inspiration for the next song he’s ‘writing’.
Scott Stapp is 37 years old from the great state of Florida. He has some 40 million records sold under his belt, a crazy ass ex wife, and a band that despises his very existence unless they are looking for an easy cash grab. Scott has had his run-ins with the law as well when he can’t contain his alcoholism at the airport, which means he’s been getting hardened from his one night stands in jail. He’s also gotten head from a stripper on tape while hanging out with fellow white trash buddy Kid Rock, but made sure to let America know that sharing oral sex from four strippers with a walking STD is NOT sex. Scott has also gotten his ass beat in public a few times lately and challenged the third worst lead singer of the last twenty years, Fred Durst, to a boxing match.
Who Wins A Fight To The Death:
This is an interesting match up to say the least. Scott has Chad by about 30 pounds or so and with a case of beer in him has the tough guy mentality down. Chad however is in better shape from years of relentless touring, since people will actually still pay to see his music unlike Scott’s. The agile Nickelback front man, who has been quoted in Playboy as sucking his own dick for a case of beer, eludes the drunken punches and leather pant thrusts of accidental porn star Scott Stapp. Scott goes for a grab of Chad’s precious locks before Chad takes a page out of Scott’s ex wife’s book by bludgeoning him in the face with a cell phone. Scott uses that time lying on the ground to pen another song reminiscent of ‘My Sacrifice’ while Chad plagiarizes his own music and makes another cheesy fight song like ‘Never Again’. Scott summons the spirit of crazy Mel Gibson from Passion Of The Christ to attack the Canadian Goldilocks. Just as Chad gets the last near fatal blow to the throat from Mel Gibson, the spirits of Jim Morrison and Layne Staley promptly descend from music heaven and snap Scott’s neck for tarnishing their good names and claiming to emulate both of them but ‘without the drugs’. Scott dies instantly and is banished to the same spot in hell that is reserved for George Michael and the cast of The Jersey Shore. Chad survives and is declared the winner; however he loses his voice permanently and loses his gag reflex which gives him something to do with all of his newfound free time.
Feel free to email me if there’s anybody you want to see fight to the death. And just remember, if you are a man and you are blaring either Nickelback or Creed from your car stereo loud enough to be heard, we are granted permission to drag you out, Grand Theft Auto style and make you pay for your crimes towards humanity.