Thankfully by the time you read this, the worst day of the year will have ended. If you’re a selfish cock like me, you went out late on Black Friday to shop for yourself from the remnants of the shit that nobody else wanted. If you’re not a douche then you’ll buy your special someone something metal and epic like a vibrator, chocolate and the new Atheist album so they can have many nights of pleasure at your expense. If you’re a total dick like me you’ll buy your friends nothing (because nothing is the most brutal thing you could get anybody) and you’ll buy a box of Katy Perry CD’s and dip them in anthrax before handing them out in high school cafeterias like they were contraband. So with this, you can see that I’m the last person in the world you should ask for things like relationship advice (always use an open hand or a phone book to avoid bruising), romantic movies (1 Night In Paris, Mister Hands), or what to buy your loved ones for Christmas. But I can tell you what NOT to buy:
Your Metal Husband Doesn’t Want A Tie Or A Scarf
I can count on two fingers the uses a silk tie or scarf would have for any metalhead: parole hearings or autoerotic asphyxiation. So obviously, if he isn’t really into either of those things (yet), this should be common sense to you. Inevitably one of you poor bastards will be getting a tie from your wife. If you do, leave her. Why? Because she’s obviously sleeping with somebody else on your block to be so inconsiderate to you. So if you don’t want to get dumped or at the very least have a Christmas morning reenactment of the Ike Turner household, get him something metal like the new Big 4 DVD if you’re cheap or some new speakers for his car if you actually, you know, love him.
Your Metal Wife Doesn’t Want Appliances
Sure, you may be subtly hinting that your gal needs to learn how to turn on the oven or learn how to use a mixer. While I’ll agree with you that a lot of girls needed to take a home economics class, you’re an even huger dick than I am if you buy them this. Remember that you’re dealing with a metalhead and appliance in metal lingo is just another brutal way to dismember the evidence (you) for being such a dick in the first place. Get her something metal like a set of anal beads with Mike Portnoy stamped on them to remind you both what a heap of shit he intentionally mired himself into by leaving Dream Theater for Avenged Sevenfold. If nobody has made them yet and you still want to spend big money on her, take her to Wacken or Download next year because three days of metal without a shower in a tent is in fact romantic and a bonding experience. And you know, chicks dig that.
Your Metal Son Doesn’t Want Santa Claus Boxers
Maybe if you find a Target that sells boxers with Satan and Josef Mengele in Santa hats frolicking hand in hand in front of a Slayer show, your son will be interested in this festive crap (and I’ll also be laughing all the way to the bank). Until then, there’s nothing shittier and more demoralizing for a gift than something that’s not worth wearing after the day that you got it for another 364 GOD DAMNED DAYS. If your intentions are for your son to grow up and be a whiny bitch who sings like Wes from Puddle of Mudd, then go right ahead and buy him that reindeer sweater. If your son isn’t a wimp, buy him the new Phil Demmel Jackson King V or another axe so metal that I’d give Lance Armstrong’s remaining nut for one.
Your Metal Daughter Doesn’t Want Twilight ANYTHING
I know there are lots of you hipster parents out there that figure because your daughter wears corpse paint that she likes vampires. And since she must like vampires, Twilight is pretty metal. Just remember there hasn’t been anything remotely metal about vampires since Wesley Snipes in Blade. If your daughter actually does like Twilight though, that’s okay too. All you have to do is kick her out on the street and tell her to come back when she grows the fuck up. Point to the street whores and the crack dealers and say “they’re doing just fine without parents, they’re grown up entrepreneurs!” If you want to get her anything else Twilight-esque, it better involve the actual heads of Edward and Jacob staked to the top of inverted crosses. And when I say she doesn’t want Twilight shit, that means don’t buy her a gift card to Hot Topic either. Aside from Twilight, she has Mayday Parade shirts and Converse sneakers to choose from there and that is all. Get her something memorable like tickets to see Ozzy or Mayhem Festival in 2011.
Your Metal Parents Don’t Want Cookbooks
Again, you’re stepping into dangerous territory here, if you’re saying your parents can’t cook. They’ll probably put laxative in their newfound queso melt recipe right before your big date with the goth elephant you just introduced them to because “she’s pretty on the inside”. Your parents have known how to cook or at least order take-out since before you’ve been born so you don’t need to remind them of it again. Speaking of not reminding them about something old and tired again, don’t buy them those Essential Greatest Hits albums unless you just don’t love them or are kicking them to the nursing home very soon. They already own three different Aerosmith Greatest Hits collections just like every other American, so another one is just going to be the final straw before they tell you that you were adopted which is the real reason they didn’t abort you like they did to your half brother Clump. If you want your parents to ‘love’ you for another year, buy them something awesome like the Slayer collection on vinyl.
Your Metal Friends Don’t Want Your Self Portrait
There’s nothing worse in the world to get then a picture of your vain, ugly friend or relative in a tacky dollar store picture frame. It just screams inconsiderate, lazy, self-absorbed waste of flesh to me. I’m not the kind of guy to ask for nudes but if somebody is going to go through the effort of sending me a framed picture that I’m supposed to proudly display, give the poor bastards that walk into my place something to talk about. I’d much rather have the “When is dead eye Uncle Jim going to learn to shave his balls for a Christmas picture?” or “How can Uncle Jim stare at the camera and his junk at the same time?” conversations than the “Who the fuck is that old hag?” question. Actually, autopsy pictures would also be sufficient but then they wouldn’t really be self-portraits. If you want to get your metal friend something snazzy pick up the first three seasons of Metalocalypse. Or at least get them a mustache ride from Uncle Jim. Your nephew has nothing but good things to say about them.
Your Metal Coworkers Don’t Want Cheese Or Perfume
If you actually speak to your coworker enough to find out they are a metalhead then you can do better than stale cheese and Lavender Bidet perfume from those makeshift stores in the mall. If they are a metalhead you owe them at least a small gift like a CD or something. If that’s not enough to you, do something subtle and small for them like ceasing peeping in their window at night and stop sending them anonymous flowers. Or maybe invite your awesome Uncle Jim in to visit them at work and say hi if they’re the creepy kind of metalhead that you have no discussion with outside of music.
Hopefully this little guide to Christmas shopping for the metalhead in your life makes things a little bit easier. Just remember, Christmas sucks dick and there is no way to avoid that, especially if you’re getting shafted with reindeer clothing and ties. My best advice is if your loved ones buy you any of that shit, you should leave them tied to the nearest price scanner pole at your local Walmart and let the courts sort out the rest. Get some use out of that stupid fucking tie! Whatever you do, don’t regift it or you’ll end up wearing the guilty conscience of Uncle Jim’s tragic death because his good eye was too distracted by the Mike Portnoy anal beads to watch the clock and release himself from the Carradine death grip.