Lighter Side of Metal

Zakk Wylde Loses Frequent Flyer Miles After Ozzy Split

LOS ANGELES–Star Trek star, and walking punchline, William Shatner announced that he is working on a re-worked version of Black Sabbath’s ‘Iron Man’ with Black Label Society leader Zakk Wylde. Wylde, who recently split from Ozzy Osbourne’s band, is expected to be paid in Priceline Rewards Points. Shatner is the national spokesperson for the online discount site.
After the Osbourne split, Wylde lost his access to the Osbourne private jet, and over 140,000 Virgin Airways Elevate Points, and now must set up his own transportation. Osbourne’s daughter, Parasite #2, is expected to use the jet whenever Osbourne is on a tour hiatus.
Shatner is looking forward to the project, mostly because it pays in cash, but also for the opportunity to work with the guitar legend.
“I’ve been a fan since Pride and Joy,” said Shatner. “At least that is what my public relations gal told me to say.”

Cleveland Black Metal Band Wants World to Know They Are Front-Running Douchebags

CLEVELAND–Midnight, a thrash/black metal band based in Cleveland, have announced they have recorded a song that is an ode to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the long-time rival to their hometown Cleveland Browns of the NFL. The song will not be commercially available and the band is releasing it just to let everyone in the metal community know they are assholes.
“I have been a fan since way back to 2006,” said lead singer Athenar. “Sure, I could like the hometown team but they have not been good for a number of years so I just gravitated towards the most successful franchise in NFL history.”
Athenar later added that his favorite hockey team is the Red Wings, for basketball it is the Lakers (though, he is “kinda digging the Heat now”), and the Yankees are his favorite baseball team.
“I remember the first time we played Peabody’s Down Under and Mark Hunter from Chaimira was there,” remembered the singer. “I was wearing a Yankees hat and a Kobe Bryant jersey and Mark totally beat my ass. I never understood why.”

Dallas Metal Band Not Cut Out for Corporate America

DALLAS–Relapse Records’ Kill the Client are glad their label does not take them literally because it would mean a fatal end to their relationship. The band had feared the label would indeed kill the client so they wrote the song ‘Dig Two Graves’ so at least it would be a relatively comfortable burial.
“We’re not the biggest guys so two graves should be okay, we are actually an environmentally conscious band,” said drummer Bryan Fajardo.
To cover all their bases, the band recently penned ‘Don’t Fuck My Girlfriend After I’m Dead’ and ‘If For Some Reason We Go Missing for Three Days, Send the Police to Relapse Records.’

Hole Hearted

LOS ANGELES–Poison lead singer Bret Michaels is recovering from surgery in which a hole in his heart was repaired. However, his rampant chlamydia is still up and running.

In Flames Flame On

SWEDEN–Swedish metallers In Flames have announced their new album will be entitled ‘Sounds of a Fading Playground.’ For those who do not habla Swedish, ‘playground’ is Swedish for ‘career.’

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