The Lighter Side Of Metal

For Slayer, Every Day is Groundhog Day

LOS ANGELES–In the movie ‘Groundhog Day,’ star Bill Murray had to re-live the same day over and over. For Slayer fans, Groundhog Day means listening to the same song over and over. Fortunately, Slayer has eleven albums worth of the same song.
This year’s Groundhog Day will be especially memorable as Bill Murray himself is expected to listen to ‘Seasons in the Abyss’ non-stop for twelve hours.
“Don’t tell Bill but after hour eight, I am going to switch over to ‘South of Heaven,” said Brian Doyle Murray, brother of Bill. “He’ll never know the difference.”
If Puxatony Phil sees his shadow, it means of six more weeks of ‘Winter’s Wolves’ by The Sword, and no shadow means less time until you can break out Type O Negative’s ‘Summer Breeze’ cover.

Silly Super Bowl Bets Not Just for Mayors Anymore

DALLAS–Cheese vs. Iron City Beer. Fat broads vs. less fat broads. Super Bowl bets are a long-standing tradition between the mayors of the two competing teams, but this year has the metal community involved.
Lazarus A.D. of Kenosha, Wisconsin has challenged Pittsburgh’s Icarus Witch to a unique wager. If your band’s hometown team loses, you can not send a press release to Blabbermouth for 90 days.
“We probably have more to lose because we send shit out every three days,” said Lazarus A.D. lead singer Jeff Paulick. “Who else can we tell about our non-stop webisodes and new posts on MySpace? Bravewords? Fuck that.”
The guys of Icarus Witch did a good job negotiating the terms as the Steelers are three point underdogs, and they have a trick up their sleeves.
“According to Wikipedia, the only reason people know us is that we backed Paul Di’Anno on his tour of America’s finest bowling alleys,” said lead singer Christopher Shaner. “So if the Steelers lose, we’ll just have Paul get in touch with Blabbermouth. Go Steel!”

Twelve-Year Old Actually Has an Opinion on Metallica

MINNESOTA–Frank Grimson, 12, of St. Paul, MInnesota who was exactly negative seven years old when Metallica’s ‘Black’ album was released recently told his classmates that Metallica was a bunch of sell-outs and have been going downhill since Cliff Burton died.
A group of sixth-graders were discussing the merits of Avenged Sevenfold when Grimson interrupted with tales of Guns ‘n’ Roses’ debauchery, leading into the now infamous Metallica rant.
“I thought Burton was a snowboard,” said one classmate.
Grimson’s teacher, who has since been suspended, reportedly gave the mouthy teen a wedgie and told him he was “too young to have such an asshole opinion.”

Children Of Bodom Asks An Awful Lot Of Questions FINLAND–Five years after asking ‘Are You Dead Yet?”, Children of Bodom now wants to know ‘Was it Worth It?’ Ahead of their next album, I just want to say, “No, we are not there yet.’.

The Open Seas Now Less Rape-y

FLORIDA–The 7000 Tons of Metal cruise, which featured hundreds of balding, overweight metal heads rocking out to bands like Sabaton and Iced Earth, recently retured to the United States. HeavyMetalComedy.com can exclusively reveal that the rape kit of Epica’s knockout lead singer Simone Simon has come back negative.

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