CRADLE OF FILTH: Five Places Their Music Should Never Be Played; This Friday At Revolution

Cradle_Of_Filth-01-big.jpgEvery time I hear about Cradle Of Filth, I think of the time my friend, and Electric Bunnies guitarist, Eldys. One day, his father came into his room while he was blasting Cradle Of Filth, to let him know that, “this music is very pretty.” It was probably the most shocking reaction to heavy music by any parent, ever.

That’s especially because Cradle Of Filth does not make pretty music. ThisĀ is a band completely dedicated to evil and metal.

That’s actual metal, not like Korn or Limp Bizkit, but Judas Priest, Black Sabbath and their contemporaries, Deicide and Slayer. They dabble in Satanic, occult, and anti-Christian ideologies, as any metal band worth its weight in upside down gold crucifixes should. In fact their notoriousĀ Jesus Is A Cunt T-shirt pretty much illustrates the dark spirit of the band.

Cradle of Filth brings it thunderous, extreme sound to Revolution this Friday; which is totally an appropriate place for them to play. However, there are other places where the band’s music would be decidedly inappropriate. Here are five of those places:

1. Your Boss’s Mom’s Funeral

It may cost you your job. No matter how much you love the Filth, please remember that it is an acquired taste that many people can’t stomach. Please watch this clip from the BBC’s IT Crowd for further illustration.

2. Your Bar Mitzvah or Confirmation

Ok, you’re a man now, it’s official. But, you are going to get a bunch of crappy gifts if you look this way. There is the very metal side effect of isolating you from your loved ones.

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3. Driving Someone Home From A First Date

As nuanced and enchanting as their music is, your date might not want to date you again. Unless, of course, you have already established your mutual love for Great Britain’s best-selling metal band since Judas Priest.

4. Hold Muzak

Your call is very important to us; please remain on the line and the next available representative will be with you shortly… Nights came tralling ghost concertos
Heartstrings a score of skeletal reaper bows, Playing torture chamber music allegretto, Conducting over throes trashed to crescendo, Skinless the dark shall scream, Hoarse her symphonies….

5. Dance Night At Century Village

Unless this guy is there:

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Cradle Of Filth at Revolution Live Friday, March 11, 2011

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