Putting the ‘Sex’ Back in ‘Sex, Drugs & Rock ‘n Roll’
Odds are you are a metalhead if you’re reading this right now. That also means that odds are either you or somebody you know gets laid about as often as the studio keyboardist of Whitesnake 25 years later. (no, not Don Airey; that man presumably still gets mad tail. One of those other guys.) While it sucks being the heavy metal virgin in the crowd, at least you’re not alone. Pop music is for, well popular people, or at least people who wear their morals on their sleeve that will put out for two margaritas and a shiny money clip. Country music fans are usually sex machines, unless they were an only child or their cousins are out of town. That leaves metalheads as the demographic crowding the World of Warcraft servers until 4 am and neglecting their hygiene while wondering why no woman or man will touch them with David Bowie’s dick and Meat Loaf pushing. While I’ve done my best to advise you of the people to avoid or pursue in the metal world, I’ve neglected how to get those people to actually talk to you much less drop their pants for you.
For Fuck’s Sake, Clean Up!
I can’t stress this enough, but in every walk of life people still hate the chick with rotten teeth and mangy hair that looks like she just escaped the pound to make it to Behemoth in a nick of time. While you might find metalheads to be slightly more responsive to your hobo shenanigans, we still loathe your very existence. Just because you throw on a pair of fishnets doesn’t give you a free pass on shaving. Speaking of shaving, guys pick a style. You can either be clean shaved or you can go for the epic facial hair look. The prickly, I don’t give a flying fuck what I look like thing isn’t cutting it. If I feel obligated to give you two dollars for a 40 ounce, then you’re going home to play WoW alone tonight. Also, the torn up tour shirts that are two sizes too big aren’t helping your cause. Nobody wants to fuck a homeless dude even if he likes Sepultura, got it?
This is another one of those givens even if you’re not a metalhead, but it’s even worse inside our circles. Unless you’re on the edge of 16 or live in New York City, nobody wants to tote you to concerts because you’re afraid of the responsibility of owning a car. I know for a fact that nothing pisses me off more than the ‘I want to go, but I have no ride’ demographic. That just screams needy, and only Kathy Bates in ‘Misery’ likes needy. You don’t want to fuck Kathy Bates do you?
Don’t Wear Flannel
Unless you’re dressed as the remnants of Kurt Cobain for Halloween or you’re a skinhead dom lesbian looking for a sub, leave the flannel for Al on ‘Home Improvement’.
Pick Up an Instrument
Even if you’re ugly, an instrument will still get you laid. Look at the present day Yngwie Malmsteen for example. He looks like John Popper once fucked Joe Dirt, but his magical fingers still get the job done. If you’re fortunate enough to have a girl talk to you and she asks what you do for fun, you can’t expect her to still be moist at the thought of you saying that you’re a larper who goes to metal shows and works late nights at Walmart where you’re denied access to society. Spend the money and buy yourself a nice instrument of choice and work on those skills since your people skills suck. Just maybe you’ll find a successful band that will do all of the hard work of getting laid for you.
Know What League You’re In
There’s nothing more pathetic than watching a 300 pound dude with a back hair sweater and a Guido ‘stache try to buy the anorexic bleach blonde drink after drink so she can go home and sleep with her wannabe Jersey Shore douchebag of a boyfriend, while Carl off of Aqua Teen goes home to masturbate alone. This same kind of epic stupidity happens at every metal show as well. Some girls are just there to get free drinks and act ditzy for the free ride, accept that and move on. There isn’t enough alcohol for you to have a chance even if you’re good looking, so your acne ridden ass is just laughable to watch unless you take the Rohypnol route to score. You need to think of your downfalls as a tradeoff with a partner who would be in your league. If you’re hideous, she can be fat, if you look like a pedophile, she can be a midget, if you’re fat and walk with a waddle, don’t be too picky with how many limbs she has or if she has a dead eye or two. While everyone is looking for a prince charming, sometimes Oscar the Grouch will have to do.
Don’t Act Like a Fucking Creep
If there were a bank of adjectives for metalheads, creep would be there somewhere. Your job is to keep the creepiness to a minimum. Asking a girl what her fetishes are unfortunately isn’t an icebreaker that works (for me at least) at any metal show. Don’t convey your sexual frustration to the only friends of the opposite sex in a creepy manner that makes us look for you on the Community Broadcast Channel 13. While I’m sure that Slayer is honored you wear their shirt, it’s less awesome if it’s displayed on your picture in the sex offender registry.
Use the Internet to Your Advantage
Don’t be afraid to post a picture of yourself, no matter how awful it is. There’s somebody somewhere that would still sleep with you. DeviantArt stock photos or pictures of Amy Lee aren’t going to get you laid. It’s just a big red flag that you’re a cow with major esteem issues really. Be gentle on the Photoshopping, and use it to fix your acne, not your weight problem or missing teeth, because you hope for the same common courtesy on their end. Join tons of metal forums, and come chat with us here at Braingell radio and work on those people skills you’re so seriously lacking. Wait for people to private message you before you get all creepy on them. Eventually it’ll happen. Who cares how far away they live? Take it as hope and a confidence booster. Maybe it’s Satan’s way of telling you where you’re supposed to move to anyhow. Would you rather be a lonely virgin in Wisconsin or a straight up pimp in South Africa? Think about it before you shoot it down.
Always Have a Plan B, or C, or D
Sometimes, you are just too far beyond hope to get laid by even the most desperate of metalhead, which is bad but it’s not the end of the world. Just remember that prostitutes don’t care how ugly you are or how much your personality sucks. Hell, search your local escort services for a freaky girl that looks like your ideal type and pay her for weekly visits. You never know, maybe she’ll fall for you in the end and it’ll be like some other awful Julia Roberts movie. If you’re looking for legal, hit up your local homeless shelter. There are plenty of nice guys and girls there that are just down on their luck and also lack people skills. Maybe they would love metal if only they could afford an iPod. Be creative, it’s not the end of the world if you can’t get sex, because frankly I’m sick of hearing everyone griping about their loneliness if it’s because they won’t try new things.
I hope that this serves as a nice start to helping you find the man, woman, or animal of your dreams if you’re on the prowl. It’s the least that I could do for my fellow metalheads out there. Just always remember to wear protection, because even though metal will never die, neither will genital warts.