The Lighter Side of Metal
Kyuss Lives! Turning Into an Oxymoron
<!– –>CALIFORNIA–Desert rockers Kyuss Lives! have announced a second leg to their U.S. tour despite not having two original members, including�guitarist Josh Homme. Original bassist Nick Oliveri, who along with Homme created the very popular Queens of the Stone Age, is also expected to miss the trek as he in the midst of a fuck-ton of legal troubles.
“Listen, I slap Kyuss on a tour poster and our fee is about five grand,” said drummer Brant Bjork. “I slap my name on a tour poster and I’ll be looking at playing 75 minutes for beer money.”
Bjork said he has toyed with the idea of billing himself as Bjork before realizing an angry mob of Sugarcubes is not a good thing. Lead singer John Garcia attempted to cash in, billing himself as Garcia Plays Kyuss and was met by similarly lackluster interest.
Meanwhile, people actually pay money to see Five Finger Death Punch. This world makes no sense..
Anthrax Pushing Their ‘Feed Off The Tit of Metallica’ Luck
NEW YORK–Anthrax has announced a not-so-secret New York show to take place two days before the Big Four show at Yankee Stadium. Guitarist Scott Ian has strongly intimated that members of the other three bands will be at the theater show. Fans expecting Kerry King, Dave Mustaine, and Lars Ulrich will most likely end up with David Ellefson and a $9 beer.
Fans who purchase the band’s upcoming album ‘Worship Music’ can get a free ticket to the show which takes place at the Best Buy Theater. The theater holds roughly 2,000 people and if all attend via the ‘Worship Music’ purchase, that could push the album to #1.
“I guess that’s the benefit of everyone stealing music,” said Ian. “You move a couple thousand copies and you end up in a blurb in ‘Entertainment Weekly.’
In This Moment No Longer an All-Star Because of Heartbroken Brink
SAN FRANCISCO–Just as the All-Stars Tour was barreling into San Francisco, home of the HeavyMetalComedy.com, In This Moment dropped of the trek. Rumors are swirling that lead singer Maria Brink is heartbroken that her love for HeavyMetalComedy.com founder Doug Chagnon can never be reciprocated and the band left the tour before it arrived in San Francisco to spare Brink the pain.
“It is a lot like ‘Romeo and Juliet’ except these two have never met, their families are not keeping them apart, and no one dies in the end,” said guitarist Chris Howorth. “But where it is most like ‘Romeo and Juliet’ is that this love story also was not written by William Shakespeare.”