Another Rambling From A Crazy Metalhead – The “Sometimes You Make This Too Easy” Edition
Sometimes I find myself sitting on the computer wondering if it has any use outside of illegal downloading and porn and I couldn’t think of anything constructive to say if a gun were pointed at my head. Then there are some weeks like this where I can’t help but to have something dickish to say about everything. First off, Fred Durst ‘starring’ and ‘producing’ an upcoming comedy series about a rockstar trying to balance family and fame is too golden. You sir have been producing nothing but one giant subpar comedy for well over a decade now, why would you inflict this on us too? Was your discography on top of a self made porno not enough shame for one lifetime? Most men with half of that résumé would have already taken a page out of David Carradine’s book and made a lovely decoration on someone’s shower rod. Speaking of terrible porn, that leaves me with a horrible mental image of who I never want to see in porn.
10. Yngwie Malmsteen – I envision lots of grease due to the inclusion of a 12 piece bucket from KFC.
9. Courtney Love – The end result would look a lot like the shower floor of a college dorm room after the drain has already been clogged with matted hair and bodily fluids, only with more pills and more STD’s.
8. Mick Jagger – I don’t care if the man has slept with the equivalent of the state of Virginia, by now it has to be like watching a Shar Pei trying to gnaw off his fleas these days.
7. Dino Cazares and Gene Hoglan – I know Dino has already done homemade porn where he was the Transformer and his poor victim was one of Michael Bay’s props waiting to get smushed on the sidewalk. But this amazing duo has no place in porn unless it’s the fantasy type stuff and they are role playing as the offensive line for the Oakland Raiders.
6. Matt Heafy – Wouldn’t it just involve him trying to get a girl to take off her pants so he could run away with them and squeeze into them on stage?
5. Rob Zombie – Love him all that you want, odds are he will have stolen 98% of his moves from Alice Cooper anyhow.
4. Otep – Just like her live shows it would be constantly interrupted with high pitched crying sounds and political rants that third graders are even sick of hearing by now.
3. David Draiman – It would involve a lot of self adoration into the camera while keeping his lover buried beneath the covers to prevent any attention ever being taken away from him.
2. Dave Grohl – He feels that in all of his awesomeness that there’s no reason he couldn’t be the star, co-star, producer, director, editor and even compose the background music to boot. I don’t want to see Dave making love to Dave as ‘Big Me’ plays during the money shot.
1. Chad Kroger – If I wanted to see a line of dicks awaiting one eagerly willing guy, I’d visit the local gloryhole at the truck stop. Then at least I could get the lead singer from Live’s autograph.
On that note, Billy Corgan, best known as the guy who keeps trying to sell the idea of the Smashing Pumpkins, announced he’s going to start his own wrestling company called Resistance Pro Wrestling. I guess if you too thought the name Corgan was synonymous with sweaty, hairless, muscular guys then you’d be correct. Also, going on Fox wearing a wrap around scarf while looking like you’re on the verge of tears isn’t the best way to promote something as ‘manly’ as wrestling.