Our longtime readers may or may not remember my first version of shitty Christmas presents not to get your loved ones last year. For those of you who are new to this little site, http://www.braingell.com/?p=11863, you’re welcome. Since I’ve been a little bit detached from the world lately, I’m not really sure what’s trendy to get your loved ones for Christmas aside from some sweet, sweet chocolate love from Republican what used to be presidential hopeful Herman Cain. While there’s apparently more than enough of the Cain Train to go around for all of the ladies, not everybody wants to wake up to him wearing nothing under the tree. So it’s time for me to get back on the ball and tell you what you need to buy for Christmas or whatever you want to call it.
Your Metal Husband Doesn’t Want A Screwdriver Set
Apparently nobody ever got the memo that a screwdriver set is one of the first things that any man gets in his tool collection – usually around the age of 9. When pushing any age past puberty, that fancy 19 piece gift wrapped screwdriver set for $9.99 at Walmart is just a slap in the face. I know there is the whole ‘every guy loves tools’ myth, but really we only like things that will annihilate shit and/or set it on fire. If you want to show your love for us you should really buy us something awesome like the Type O Negative vinyl box set. Sure, you’d have to shell out a couple of hundred dollars for this much awesomeness, but maybe we wouldn’t dread buying your tampons as much in return.
Your Metal Wife Doesn’t Want Grey’s Anatomy DVD’s
Okay, maybe that’s a lie. I think every woman would accept them with a smile and scamper off to their room for countless hours. Much like ‘House’, there must be something sadistically sexy about watching people suffer while they are treated by attractive doctors and nurses all to the tune of a soap opera. But for those few women in this world that don’t want to painfully watch Katherine Heigl’s giant smile pretend it knows how to act you should buy them tickets to see the almighty Rammstein. Nothing says I love you more than sex, pyro and a bunch of sweaty German guys rocking your world. Sure, diamonds might be forever, but Rammstein tickets will totally score you anal.
Your Metal Son Doesn’t Want The New Korn Album
Unless your son is in denial about a lot of things, odds are he has outgrown Korn at least six years ago and he thinks Dubstep is both talentless and gay. So as Jonathan Davis becomes the new Michael Jackson and repeatedly tries to be hip and relevant with every release as the world gradually just stops caring, your son is no different. Somewhere between Untouchables and losing his virginity, the Korn/Limp Bizkit days are now for pure nostalgia only. Much like the rest of us, he is waiting for Family Guy to make jokes about how washed up and terrible it is so he can point at the TV and say “holy shit I totally remember them!” while drinking his PBR and also clawing for acceptance with a bunch of other douchebags in some dumpy dorm room. If you want to show him that you still (kind of) love him, buy him the Rocksmith game for PS3 or XBOX 360. Sure, there are lots of nonmetal songs on there, but the skill of learning how to play a guitar and not just owning one for ironic purposes might actually get him laid one day by someone who will make you decent grandchildren and not that pig he was forced to go to prom with since you wouldn’t get his acne cleared up in time.
Your Metal Daughter Doesn’t Want A Kindle
Granted it’s not really too shitty of a present, this is something you should save for the grandparents. While I encourage the ever living fuck out of literacy and people actually wanting to read (so you’ll read this), those of us who aren’t in bed by 6 p.m. have this little invention called the internet. Websites like Cracked seem to occupy us a lot better than a book ever has and even teach us important life lessons or random tidbits that we will recite when drinking. Besides, if a good book comes out such as ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’, it’s only a matter of time before it gets butchered for only the juicy parts and turned into a movie or seven while Trent Reznor whores himself out to compose the score to it. If you want to please your daughter buy her clothes. It’s the only sure way to make any girl happy. Sites like headbangersmall.com do a very nice job at compiling an awesome selection of nonshitty band merch for you so you don’t even have to work hard at being a semi-decent parent.
Your Metal Parents Still Don’t Want Greatest Hits Albums
I know, I briefly mentioned this last year. But some bands also didn’t get the memo and keep releasing one greatest hits album after another so that Best Buy can sell it for $4.99 the month of December. Then you being the terrible child that you are look in the bargain bin and say “God, I don’t really love my dad enough to get him something worth his time, but he sure would love the same 12 Motley Crue songs slightly rearranged again with new cover art!” As he opens his big gift from you and smashes his bottle of Jack Daniels against the fridge door, you’ll then realize that he probably used to beat you for a reason. If you’d like to curb his alcoholism and deep seeded hatred for you just a little bit for at least the rest of the month, you could always buy your parents tickets to one of those many metal cruises. No matter what their taste there is something awesome to be found. There is the 70000tons cruise if your parents are metal as fuck or lots of washed up southern rock bands waiting to die at sea but not before a 21 minute guitar solo in the middle of their cover of ‘Slow Ride’.
Your Metal Friends Don’t Want A Starbucks Gift Card
While I am a hardcore advocate of anything coffee and especially the deliciousness that is Starbucks, you really shouldn’t inflict the blandness and soul crushing feeling that only walking inside a Starbucks can do to you upon anybody you actually like. Sure a nice five dollar gift card screams “I’m a cheap asshole that cares about you just enough to buy you one large specialty drink”, you also have to remember it means that you are knowingly being a Nazi. Yes, buying your friends Starbucks cards makes you no better than a Nazi. Much like the promise of a hot shower on the other side of that door on a cold February day in 1939, you are enticing them to walk into a whole building full of hipster college kids who think they serve a purpose on this earth, WoW players stealing Wi-Fi, aspiring screenwriters and the music of Andrea Bocelli, Barbara Streisand, and Michael fucking Bublé. Don’t you feel like a terrible person now? If you’re trying to be a decent friend while still being a tightwad, buy them an Amazon gift card. That way they can put it towards buying some bonus tracks like those on the new Opeth album that are seemingly impossible to find on torrents much less in album form in the states.
Your Metal Coworkers Don’t Want Popcorn Tins
If there were a study that revealed what people did with those festive tins of stale caramel popcorn, it would look something like this: 88% regifted it to a bigger asshole than the person that gave it to them, 11% ate the popcorn and used the tins as trashcans, the remaining 1% filled them with explosives and launched a sneak attack on the family that thought you really wanted styrofoam disguised as food. If you buy anybody popcorn in a tin, the terrorists not only win, they also rape your family pet. Now that I’ve hopefully discouraged you from becoming part of the 1% who will tragically die in an apparent “deep fried turkey gone wrong” accident, buy your coworkers some headphones. Admit it, there is no such thing as a perfect workplace where everybody loves exactly the same music. So much like the rest of you, I don’t want your Adele mixing with my Tool just as much as you don’t want my Cannibal Corpse mixing with your Hollywood Undead garbage. I think that it would just be best if we reminisced about our mutual love of Van Halen over lunch sometime instead of pushing the boundaries of our laptop speakers to prove that Lamb Of God has more epic riffs than Queen.
With that I bid you merry shopping and a happy new debt.