There are a lot of times where I don’t particularly have 500 words or more to say about anything in particular but want to ramble about a million things at once for a sentence or two at a time. It’s kind of like having an open ended conversation with myself – or like listening to a Podcast by Kevin Smith. I know there are people out there who are given fifteen minutes a week outside of their padded room that turn to me for advice, something to live for and possibly even the latest, greatest stuff in the metal world. So it’s my job to provide something.
First off, it’s only a few days until Valentine’s Day. It’s a shitty, meaningless holiday every year except for this year. The only reasoning behind that is the much anticipated release of Goatwhore’s Blood For The Master. Otherwise, take this word of advice: don’t buy your loved one chocolate or flowers. Both are superficial gifts that are honestly pretty thoughtless for all parties involved. Do you really want your girlfriend going over to her other lovers’ house saying “Do you believe that scumbag just bought me a cellophane wrapped box of dark chocolate?” Of course, the joke is on her since he got her the same thing with hopefully a pinch of hepatitis as well. If you’re like me and you’re too poor for something legit like jewelry, I have one word for you. Bacon. If your significant other doesn’t love bacon in some way, shape or form, you need to ask yourself one thing. Are you actually happy with your current relationship?
One of the more awful, non Fred Durst related news stories in the metal world this week involved a Christian metalcore singer luring teen girls in for sex via Facebook and Myspace. Derek Brunsveld of the band Ludlow Falls, also known as some other terrible band from Ohio that nobody has ever heard of or even associated with metal until now, was arrested last week for having sex with a teen girl. This brings up some serious questions including, “People still use Myspace?!” “We’re sure it wasn’t a young boy right?” and “What would Jesus do if he were a vocalist?”
The metal world has created their own version of a soap opera over Black Sabbath drummer Bill Ward and his lack of participation in their latest reunion. It’s obvious that it was obviously a cash grab from the start, so I find it kind of hard to believe that financial aspects of this weren’t ironed out beforehand if that truly is the reason for the current split. Are the millions of dollars you’re expected to earn over the next seven months or so of touring not enough to sit behind a drum kit for 80 minutes a night even if it’s not an equal split? Tony Iommi has fucking cancer and you don’t hear him bitching about it do you? Maybe the reunion wasn’t meant to be if it’s come to this before even one show.
The most embarrassing news of the week comes from the Metallica camp. They teased us with a huge announcement on Tuesday and had already mentioned two ‘special’ east coast shows this summer. That huge announcement was the Orion Music Festival will be taking place in June in Atlantic City, New Jersey featuring a lineup that is nothing more than a slap in the face to everything that metal stands for. While announcing that they will be headlining both nights and playing Ride The Lightning and The Black Album in their entirety, nothing can save this. One would expect a Metallica themed festival to have past and present bands that influenced them and bands following in their footsteps. You would think bands like Motörhead, Volbeat, Mastodon, Diamond Head, Danzig, or even Kid Rock would be in talks to play a festival like this. Instead we are graced with Avenged Sevenfold, The Arctic Monkeys, Modest Mouse, Cage The Elephant, The Gaslight Anthem and others. The Sword is the only fitting band on the bill that won’t make people want to take their chances getting murdered on the other end of the Expressway in Camden.
Hopefully everybody learned something today. If you are just skipping to the end looking for free candy, you get none and you should be ashamed of yourself. If I must recap however: buy the new Goatwhore album on Tuesday, even if the awful band you are listening to is Christian doesn’t mean your little sister is safe around them, look for Bill Ward on the next ‘Dancing With The Stars’ and look for Metallica to start digging their own graves again soon since they are still trying to tell us how awesome Lulu was as well.