If Video Games Were Created After Musicians
I’ve been on a bit of a video game kick lately seeing how it’s an easy way to detach myself from reality. I also know that there are people like Gene Simmons everywhere who will one day cash in on the idea of making a video game out of their everyday lives. So in what is sure to be minimally more amusing than ‘Hunger Games’, here are some potential ideas for video games based on musicians:
Chad Kroeger: Nickelback
Here you get to play sixty mind numbingly boring levels of trying to compose lyrics and songs in hopes of getting girls over fourteen but under 45 to accept you. You start off as a young Chad blowing himself trying to win a case of beer and progress to ‘Rock Star’ Chad trying to win credibility. There is no dying during game play since all Nickelback fans who buy the game are already dead inside.
Spoiler Alert: Every level is identical with the exception of a few words.
Ozzy Osbourne: No More Ideas
After having cashed in on two bands spanning five decades and becoming a reality TV star in the process, the Madman has begun to lose touch with the rest of the world. So what better way to thrust him back into the spotlight than in his own video game?! The year is 1975 and you are accompanied by a gnome named Sharon by your side as you wander aimlessly around the world doing drugs, smearing your feces on the walls, and beheading animals. The goal is simply to survive for as many years as you can and wean off of your bad habits while trying to sing coherently. As the game advances the controller begins shaking so violently it is almost impossible to hit the correct button combination anymore.
Spoiler Alert: No matter what you do during the ‘Heroin Binge’ level of the game, you somehow end up with two trolls named Jack and Kelly that gradually suck your life away.
Mike Patton: Edge Of The World
Every level is completely different and none are in any way related to each other. The goal here is simple: run around the Earth like a lunatic until you are hailed as a genius and a pioneer. Characters from other games may appear randomly in certain levels such as the zombies in Left 4 Dead randomly chasing you. This game is all about you. It’s a first person love fest and all of your opponents will also be voiced by Mr. Patton himself.
Spoiler Alert: The game never actually ends. Every few months there is new downloadable content available that makes you think you are actually getting closer to some sort of goal until you just lose interest and don’t care anymore.
Vince Neil: Knock ‘Em Dead Kid
It’s like Grand Theft Auto just a lot more inebriated! You get behind the wheel of a car twice over the legal limit and try to drive from Los Angeles to Las Vegas without killing as many people as possible. The car is fast and pretty difficult to control when you hit imaginary ice and the screen momentarily blacks out on you. Much like GTA you get your fair share of violence as well, making this an MA game. Instead of punching hookers you get to punch cameramen during your stops.
Spoiler Alert: As long as you can make enough pleas with the prosecutors to make it home safely, your girlfriend will still angrily be waiting for you. Not to worry though, you get to punch her too and start the game all over again.
Al Jourgensen: One Fix
In what is surely to be the most highly anticipated first person shooters of the past decade, One Fix has all of the action one can ever need. You are barricaded on a Texas ranch with an unlimited supply of ammunition trying to fend off the Republican apocalypse. Defeat waves of evil all wearing George W. Bush masks to unlock special power ups such as cocaine and heroin to increase bullet speed and steady your aim. Prepare for the most insane battle ever as the ranch becomes an oil refinery and you are pitted face to face with the boss George H.W. Bush.
Spoiler Alert: While the drugs make shooting easier, they also shorten your life. So use them wisely or else body parts begin to rot off as the game progresses making you more vulnerable to attack.