Halloween Costumes For Your Little Metalhead
You know what I fucking hate about Halloween? Every year there are about four costumes out there that everybody feels compelled to buy millions of. Whether it’s Captain Jack Sparrow, the Twilight tards or the cast of Jersey Shore, sometimes you wish Edward Norton from American History X would come stomp them for you. While I can’t help you out when your over sixteen daughter inevitably dresses like a slut for Halloween and gets drunk in hundreds of “embarrassing” Facebook photos, I can hopefully keep your still innocent younger child from getting the shit beaten out of them and coming home with an empty candy sack. Let me also stop some of you dead in your tracks and tell you that painting your kids up like anybody from KISS has been gay for over twenty years even if Role Models made it look cool a few years ago.
Varg’s Burnt Churches
Want to confuse the shit out of people and intimidate the elderly to part with some God damned Snickers bars? Don’t let your kid dress as a black metal musician, because old people will think they are a retarded panda bear. Instead use tattered cardboard boxes and Lincoln logs to recreate the aftermath of the church burning spree by the Burzum frontman. If you want extra credit you can always douse them in lighter fluid or kerosene just in case any of the local kids want to try putting out their cigarettes on your little snowflakes’ forehead again this year.
I’m sure twenty (holy shit this makes me feel old) years ago lots of kids parted their hair, dyed it blonde, put on some plaid, held a guitar and called themselves Cobain. It’s funny how in this day and age they call those kids hipsters, and they are now all lurking in coffee shops everywhere waiting to be hunted. But when Cobain’s head was blown off of his shoulders, grunge was essentially blown off of the map so why not teach your kids a music lesson and let your son wear tons of fake blood and one of those latex giant gaping holes over his face while you make his sister dress like a skank and hold a shotgun? Sure if you are all about details, you might need to let her roll around in the garbage for a few days beforehand to smell more like Courtney Love. But in the end it is worth it because nobody shoots down kids with guns asking for candy.
Seriously, this is the easiest costume ever. Give your kid a sweet mustache and the rest is history. Just inspect his apples for razor blades and AIDS.
If you dress your kid up as one of the members of Dethklok, than you are probably being an unoriginal douche, so congratulations on failing at life. You can dress your cat up as Pickles and that would be both cute and acceptable. But you can always be the most integral part of the band. Be a Klokateer. Sure, they might have to explain to people that in fact they aren’t some twisted version of the inverted KKK wearing the all black hood and stuff, but the other neighborhood kids will know that whatever they do, they shouldn’t fuck with a Klokateer.
Sure, your kid probably has no idea who Al or Ministry even is, but you do and you know you want your kid to grow up a sliver as awesome. So go down to the dollar store and pick up some little round glasses, pencil in a mustache and give him a cowboy hat and maybe some syringes for extra credit, and you have yourself a real badass kid for the first time ever. Telling your coworkers about the time your kid dressed up as Al Jourgensen when he was nine will hopefully dilute some of the shame of him being the only male cheerleader in high school in a few years.
All it takes to recreate a metal legend is to give your kid a leather jacket, sunglasses and some assless chaps to ride on his bike with. If you live somewhere like San Francisco, then you already see this on a daily basis and it becomes more of a way of life instead of a costume, and you should just skip to the next idea for something more original.
It’s true, if you accidentally gave birth to a ginger kid, they don’t have many role models out there these days. Most of you would rather have a stillborn in a jar than to have spawned somebody like Carrot Top. But in this day and age where they say opinions are like assholes, why not let your kid look up to a nice, wholesome, born again Christian, Right-wing ginger who should theoretically have more assholes than a prison shower. As long as you let him spout out complete nonsense about things like Rick Santorum and Obama causing theatre shootings, it will completely overshadow the need for him to tote around a heavy guitar all night long.
If you are one of those parents that will go on eBay or to Spencers and buy your kids the Slipknot masks, then I want to personally punch you in the genitals. How apathetic and unoriginal can you be?! Putting on a jumpsuit and wearing a mask recognizable by even old people who thought that Bob Seger was hard rock is no Halloween costume. Let your kids dress up as the members of Mushroomhead, so when the Slipknot kids go to the ten houses with the porch lights on, your kid can pester the lone house on the street with no lights on until somebody gives in and gives them a quarter to go away. It will keep the animosity down with the Slipknot kids since they aren’t taking any candy away from their collection.
The Lady Gaga Meat Dress
Yes, I am well aware that Lady Gaga isn’t metal, so don’t start giving me shit now. But I would like to think that if you dressed your kid up as a London broil, inevitably a grizzly bear would jump out of the woods and dismember them leaving nothing but random limbs all over the street. According to the definition, well, there’s really nothing more metal than that. If you are lucky, maybe Cannibal Corpse will proceed to write a song about it.
Obviously, this is just a few examples because I’m trying to get the ball rolling for you. If your kid is in a wheelchair, it is still okay for him to be Superman, and if you want your son to be Batman, you have about five days left to die. But if you’re tired of your kid being ‘normal’ like all of the other kids out there, why don’t you take my awesome advice for once? And always remember to be safe this Halloween. There are lots of creeps lurking out there, so my best advice is if you want to keep the rapists away, just dress them all up as Adele.