The Shittiest Christmas Presents For Your Beloved Metalhead Volume 3

xmasGuess what kids?  It’s that dreaded time of the year again.  It’s time for millions of humans who are already borderline horrible people to shed any last strand of dignity to save four dollars on a Furby.  It’s also that time of the year for me to give you my advice on what to buy your “loved” ones.  It’s that time of the year where most of the musicians we love are eating Captain Crunch instead of steak, and it’s all because of that *shakes fist* evil internet. Once upon a time we can tell people younger than us how we used to look forward to getting cassettes or CDs in our stockings instead of demanding an mp3 player to load our stolen music on.  That is unless you were raised Catholic and your aunt thought that Celine Dion and R. Kelly were hip for ten year old boys.  At least we can rest assured that there is a special place in hell for both your aunt, the guy who pisses on kids and the horse faced Canadian.  If you missed the past two years and you need more advice than I can provide you tonight, you can find them here and here.

 

Your Metal Husband Doesn’t Want iPod, iPhone, iPad Or Any Other Fucking Apple Product Accessory.

For some reason most of the “hot” gifts this year involve some sort of stupid accessory for your already overpriced piece of slave labor plastic.  Whether it is designer cases, virtual video glasses, Atari joysticks for your iPad or even if you gave your man a free app for an endless supply of scat porn, the impersonal aspect still sucks shit harder than a Creed’s Greatest Hits album.  If you love your man, prove it.  Don’t buy him the same thing that pretty much everybody else in the world is getting.  When he goes into the office, the bathhouse or wherever else to escape on December 26th, he doesn’t want to show off his new headphones that everybody else already has.

There is a simple answer to this solution.  Buy your man an instrument.  Whether he plays or not isn’t important.  If he already plays you can get him a gift card to whatever music store so that you don’t fuck up and buy him something he can’t use.  If he doesn’t have any musical talent buy him anything that he’s ever talked about possibly wanting to pick up.  I don’t give a shit if it’s the tambourine, any instrument is better than an iPad case.  For the guys who mope about their appearance or self-esteem you’ll be doing them a world of favors here.  Once they are even barely proficient with a guitar/drum set/keyboard/bass/clarinet or whatever else they will feel like they finally serve a purpose on this earth. You may even find them attractive again when they resemble functioning members of society again as they are holding that instrument.  Just whatever you do, don’t condescend to him and buy him a Squier or First Act guitar or something absolutely horrible.  While I don’t condone violence upon women under any circumstance that isn’t bludgeoning a Kardashian to death, if you buy him a Walmart special and get a black eye for it, I’m only going to say “I told you so”.

Your Metal Wife Doesn’t Want Anything From Some Washed Up Actresses’ Jewelry Collection

It’s a well known fact that between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day at least four out of every five commercials are from some sort of car company or jewelry megastore trying to shame you into buying your loved one something worth more than your own pathetic existence or else that special someone won’t love you anymore.  For some reason these commercials won’t be honest and tell you that the majority of you are trying to marry somebody who loves that guy on Facebook that is too far away to realistically dump you for more than she does you.  And for the very few people out there as lucky as me who do have a loving other half, the difference between a $200 ring and a $4,000 dollar diamond encrusted ring is that they might be more willing to do anal or tolerate that thing you do with braiding your pubic hair to make your scrotum look like Nikki Sixx.  So before some actress, who is now pushing 70, tries telling you that buying her line of jewelry will make them love you forever in an attempt to afford enough plastic surgery to stay relevant, think about what your wife really needs.

She needs companionship for the times that you can’t be there by her side without giving her permission to let the pool boy plow her.  Score her some death metal albums with nice blast beats and anything else with some soul crushing riffs and place them on her iPod.  Now I will suggest to you the only iPod accessory that is relevant to women and worth my endorsement.  Head over to http://ohmibod.com and buy her a vibrator that pulses to the beat of the music and your job is done for a small fraction of what some ring would have cost you.  When she is moaning to Vinnie Paul’s bass drum kick or to Willie Adler’s guitar while you are at work you won’t feel so bad and she might even share the love with you when you get home.  If you neglect her needs and instead buy her a big fancy ring and she is using the same hand to jerk off your best friend, then you’re going to feel kind of silly.

Your Metal Son Doesn’t Want Any Clothing With Christmas Decorations On It

You know what’s embarrassing?  Knowing that there is an entire market for ugly ass clothing for full grown adults.  From the light up sweaters to the Santa pajamas to the red and white man thongs, nothing is more pathetic than seeing a man not only is happy about receiving these gifts but also willingly wearing them.  If given the choice I would take Depends adult undergarments in a heartbeat to any sort of nostalgic Christmas item that I can only wear for one day out of the year while still feeling like a complete tool and waste of DNA.  At least Depends let me know right on the bag that it’s perfectly okay for me to shit in them and throw them away when I am done, whereas someone wasted fifteen or fifty dollars of their hard earned money on a Rudolph hat because it has light up horns.

You can head over to this nifty site and pick up the ugliest sweater of all time for your son without shame because it is totally a Slayer sweater.  That way the gaudiness and overall ugly disgusting feeling he has that makes him want to blow his brains out when wearing a sweater disappears when people see the Slayer logos.  If you care about your son and his life whatsoever you would do something like this for him.

Your Metal Daughter Doesn’t Want A Polaroid Camera

When I look back upon my childhood there was always one thing that haunted me: Polaroid cameras.  Whenever I used to dance naked to Dire Straits on MTV when I was 4 (yes, in 1989 they actually played music), someone always had to have a Polaroid camera to take a picture of my bare ass and throw in a scrapbook.  Whenever I was making a stupid face or being forced to wear one of those horrible sweaters, some asshole had a Polaroid.  For some reason the convenience of being able to print pictures instantly meant that people would take pictures of the stupidest, most random shit that wasn’t worth having developed in a roll at CVS, but somehow was worth spending a fuckload more on the Polaroid paper instead.  After thankfully hitting a brick wall about fifteen years ago when people realized digital cameras were much better, some asshole had to reintroduce them in digital form so you didn’t have to print the blurry ones anymore.  Now you are going to spend almost 300 dollars on a camera for her that isn’t even worth taking to a metal show anyhow.  Then inevitably after it runs out of the special paper, it is going to end up in the pile of other once trendy gifts in the display case at your local Goodwill,

If you love your daughter and don’t want her to get teased for things that are in her control like her sense of style, buy her some awesome clothing that not everybody already has.  Everybody knows that one of the worst parts of owning a Lamb of God, Pantera or Slipknot shirt is that every wanker who has ever visited a Hot Topic or Spencer’s already owns a shirt just like yours.  So head on over to sites like Etsy where you’ll find stores like Bloodshred Records and many others that specialize in making cool clothing for the few non obese metal chicks out there.  That way you even can pick up some stuff that is an adjustable fit if eating disorders or teen pregnancy is their thing.

Your Metal Parents Don’t Want Digital Picture Frames

Living in Florida there are entirely too many old people here that were alienated by their children.  Whether you were drugged by the local senior citizen child molester or if you had to willingly walk into their house and see digital picture frames throughout the room, it’s a telltale sign that their kids no longer love them and you should do your best to break out of the duct tape restraints and bail on the situation.  I would like to think that metalheads are civil enough people to either still love their parents or just have nothing to do with them at all whether they were disowned, or they have in fact murdered them.  That gives me great hope that no child has bought their metal parents a digital picture frame.

If you are at a lack of ideas for things to buy them, I kind of am as well.  You see, buying them the new Aerosmith album is just as bad as buying them a digital picture frame and most metal things for them are shit like coffee mugs and calendars.  All of those things amount to an impersonal lack of trying on your part.  The best thing that you can do is take them to a heavy as fuck show that you can both agree on that is standing room only.  If they only want to go to seated shows from now on, you should probably just skip this and have them put into a nice retirement home instead.  Go to a nice brutal show where the drunk assholes feel compelled to crowd surf in steel toed boots and flail their limbs everywhere in the process and where the karate assholes want to play in the moshpit.  If your parents don’t make it out alive then you might even get their inheritance in return for such an awesome gift.  And before those of you who know me think that’s why my father goes to shows with me, just know that I would only get a flat screen, a couple of guns and some pot for my troubles.

Your Metal Friends Don’t Want Anything From Hot Topic

After a few years of being everything but metal, the Twilight fan boy store has reverted back to selling mostly mainstream metal merch for those kids out there still begging for acceptance in circles that don’t involve getting the shit kicked out of them by bullies and then making stupid Youtube videos about it.  So if you show up with any one of those shirts or anything else from that store for one of your friends that you don’t intend to beat up shortly after, then you should just be ashamed of yourself and not even call them a friend anymore.  If your friend is truly a friend you will know what they like and what they want.  Metalocalypse season 4 is out now and Record Store Day on Black Friday just released a bunch of killer vinyls of bands in every genre.  If none of those things can make your friend happy, one of you should probably go for a late night Whitney Houston bathtub swimming adventure.

Your Metal Coworkers Don’t Want Anything KISS Related

I should add an asterisk here because I do have a coworker that would dig something cool KISS related, but in general society has long forgotten about everything that has to do with KISS and 99% couldn’t even rattle off their current lineup.  However this doesn’t deter Gene Simmons from being an even bigger marketing slut than Jessica Simpson and plastering the KISS logo on everything imaginable.  The problem with this is that the ordinary nonmetal douchebag that goes out Christmas shopping equates KISS with metal since they can be found on something somewhere in every store that isn’t owned by the Amish.  So when people that I meet who think Three Days Grace is heavy metal find out that I like this here devil music, they assume one thing: AC/DC and KISS are the greatest bands of all time and nobody metal dislikes them.

I would like to think that it would be more metal to get your coworkers nothing at all than anything with KISS on it.  But if you feel that you must get them something this year that can’t be resolved with a CD or an Amazon gift card, make them a macaroni picture.  Just remember that nothing is more metal than macaroni pictures when combined with glitter and you should just tell them it is straight from the heart.

Well, you’ve made it through the third annual edition of this alive, for which I congratulate you.  Hopefully at least one of you has gotten one idea from this which will make somebody’s life suck just a little bit less.  Now back to your regularly scheduled metal news.

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