(part II) 6 Things Orcs Want You to Bring To a Show

(read: Part I)

3. Armor

The Orcs value your hands in the battle for Domination. To seize dominion over Earth, though, requires a well fitted army. Wear armor of your own design, A Band of Orcs t-shirts, cloaks or shamanistic paint to defend yourself against the forces of good. Armor is also a reflection of your inner self, don’t be afraid to expand on what you see on stage, and always take pride in your personal look and feel. The Orcs love to see colorful armor and garments as long as they fit these qualifications:

  • Green for the Orc race, Black for the evil that surrounds it, Orange for the fire it spews onto life
  • Live event armor should be for presentation only, meaning sharp spikes should be dulled and chains should not be loose. Don’t hurt your fellow warriors before the battle.
  • For your own safety, do not challenge Gogog as leader of the Orc army, this will definitely curtail the usefulness of your armor

One often ignored necessity these days is the:

4. Cell Phone

Communication is important. The Grimp has made allies with www.theliveline.com, who agreed to give each Orc a personal phone number you can call. Gronk! has enchanted items in each Orc’s possession to behave like a cell phone, enabling them to leave and receive messages. You can also send and hear messages by going to www.theliveline.com, finding your favorite Orc, calling their number, and listening to past messages
from fellow minions. Bring your cell phones to live events and record bits of the show, leave messages and hear the most recent announcements made by each individual Orc. Also, for the brave few who allow TheLiveLine to text them, special merch discount codes will be sent during shows. Go to the site, sign up, hear the Orcs’ demands, leave them your praise and receive special offers on equipment.

Communication is always the most delicate thing in keeping a fighting force together. Many vast armies have become splintered and weak  because of confusion and lack of guidance. For this reason, you must be in constant contact with A Band of Orcs. Sign up for their newsletter, post on their official forums at www.smnnews.com, receive texts for TheLiveLine updates and of course, attend live shows.

Receiving transmissions from Orc tower in these ways saves time and valuable:

5. Energy

The Orcs have cast a spell on Earth. Each one of you Humans now possess the power to open a vortex to other worlds. Attending shows and  absorbing the sound made by A Band of Orcs increases your power, which can only ignite when you thrust yourself into a circle pit and release
all your energy to create a maelstrom in front of the stage. This is one of the primary functions of live shows. If you do not attend shows with the energy necessary to create a maelstrom, you will grow weak.

The only thing keeping you alive now is:

6. Evil

The Orcs are born like any other creature in this world or theirs. Pure evil. Gogog burped acid, Gronk! (always gifted with magical power) turned his brother into a gelatinous cube, Oog… well, Oog smashed. Then they grow, they rampage in the fields as children, burn villages and learn to  hunt Elves. When adulthood comes along, they develop a mean streak. They kill, they conquer, they destroy, and occasionally they get sucked into the Human world by a moldy old trickster. A Band of Orcs are not misunderstood, they are really really evil creatures. This is, of course,  why Earth has been such a shock to them, considering the overall lack of toxic atmosphere and constant suffering. This is why they appreciate  your attempts at making this dimension more like home and bringing to shows intense, pulsating evil.

Can’t you see the lies?

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