(Part I) 6 Things Orcs want you to bring to a show

This is an article for newly inducted “fans” of A Band of Orcs. Presumably, it’s author was none other than The Grimp:

“6 Things Orcs Want You to Bring to a Show

1. Friends

Your commitment is unquestionable when you attend live meetings of the
extended family of A Band of Orcs. You are brave, honorable and
trustworthy. The kindest thing you can do for your own family is to
capture them and offer them to the Orcs for enslavement.

Speaking of slaves, another welcome gift:

2. Elves

Orcs are well known drinkers of Ale, consumers of ritual smoke and
lovers of trembling meat. Above all, though, Orcs love to devour the
blood and soul of the cursed Elf race. Hulg will tell you this
himself, having taken the surname of ElfRIPper. This means that the
offering of ears and essence (captured in a dodecahedron) are the most
welcome of gifts.

To turn an Elf into a gift:

– Slay it. I recommend a stupid looking pink flower, a box held up by
a stick and a lot of twine.
– Hit, punch and kick it. This step is optional, but of course:
– Burn it. Turn it’s flesh to ash, pick out the teeth and leftover
bone. Then you need to:
– Burn it a lot more. Use a crucible and turn the ash to graphite.
– Now smash it. Use a diamond press at about 800,000 psi, and add a
lot of heat. This turns the ash to a gem. At this point:
– Carve it. It must be a dodecahedron to contain the wiggling soul of
a lying Elf.

Other options, of course, are to purchase numbered d12 dice
used for role-playing games. These, too, are made of the basic stuff
of elves, and in some cases were made by Elf slaves. Masters have been
at work for centuries making their role-playing dice lighter, cheaper
and more inescapable. Orcs love this type of treasure and commonly
use it as currency at their camps.

For instance, for a few dice you can have an Orc blacksmith make you

3. Armor

The Orcs value your hands in the battle for Domination. To seize
dominion over Earth, though, requires a well fitted army. Wear armor
of your own design, A Band of Orcs t-shirts, cloaks or shamanistic
paint to defend yourself against the forces of good. Armor is also a
reflection of your inner self, don’t be afraid to expand on what you
see on stage, and always take pride in your personal look and feel.
The Orcs love to see colorful armor and garments as long as they fit
these qualifications:

– Green for the Orc race, Black for the evil that surrounds it, Orange
for the fire it spews onto life

– Live event armor should be for presentation only, meaning sharp
spikes should be dulled and chains should not be loose. Don’t hurt
your fellow warriors before the battle.

– For your own safety, do not challenge Gogog as leader of the Orc
army, this will definitely curtail the usefulness of your armor”

…and remember, ugly is sexy

(Read: Part II)


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